Happiness begins within. While it’s tempting to look to others, events, or material possessions to fill our lives with joy, the truth is that genuine happiness is something only you can cultivate. Placing the responsibility for your happiness on others is unfair to them and a heavy burden they were never meant to carry.

Similarly, material things may bring fleeting joy and are not a lasting source of fulfillment.

Ultimately, no one and nothing outside of you can create lasting happiness—it’s up to you to discover what lights you up and brings meaning to your life.

True joy comes from the choices you make and the perspective you nurture.

“Never put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.” ~Unknown

It was a Friday night, and I was sitting alone at the breakfast table in my studio apartment, the room barely illuminated by a single lamp in the corner.

The silence felt heavy, and my mind buzzed with confusion, frustration, and an overwhelming sadness. I couldn’t stay still, so I stood up abruptly and started pacing. There was a storm of emotions swirling inside me, and the only way to cope was to keep moving, hoping to shake off the tension. I glanced at the clock above the kitchen—it was almost 8 pm. He was supposed to be here by 7.

Why wasn’t he here yet? Didn’t he know how much I was counting on him? I had cleared my evening and rearranged my schedule so we could spend time together. I was left in a waiting game, trapped in uncertainty, feeling more alone with each passing minute. The frustration built up in my chest, rising like a tidal wave threatening to break. I grabbed the phone, my fingers trembling as I dialed his number. The seconds dragged by as it rang. He answered on the fourth ring.

I had been looking forward to this all day, imagining us meeting on time and sharing a relaxing evening. But now, all that felt uncertain, and I wasn’t sure where things stood.

In my mind, I had pictured us grabbing a bite to eat, maybe catching a new movie at the theater, or even dancing the night away at a club. My day had been dull and uneventful, and I eagerly anticipated an evening that would bring some excitement and fun.

I had planned everything perfectly—every detail mapped out in my mind—and he was ruining it once again.

Like so many nights before, his job had kept him late, and he wasn’t there when I needed him most.

As soon as he picked up the phone, I snapped. “Where are you?” I demanded, my voice sharp with frustration. “I’ve been sitting here waiting for you! I cleared my whole evening, looking forward to spending time with you, and you’re not here.”

He sounded startled, fumbling for words to calm me down. He explained that work had run late, apologized for not updating me, and promised he was on his way. But I was too upset to care. I abruptly cut him off with an icy “Fine, whatever” and ended the call.

And there it was—another rocky start to our weekend.

I sank into a kitchen chair, the weight of my emotions pressing down on me. Why did this always happen? What was wrong with me?

The truth was, my boyfriend worked long hours—ten-hour days on top of working Saturdays.

Yet I constantly relied on him to bring excitement and joy to my otherwise dull and predictable days.

Every weekend followed the same pattern: I’d spend the week feeling bored and restless, waiting for the weekend to roll around so we could finally do something fun. But he’d often arrive late or exhausted from work, and I’d feel crushed, let down, and irritated. My disappointment would bubble over, and before I knew it, I’d lash out, throwing hurtful words that inevitably soured our time together before it had even begun.

It was a relentless cycle, one I couldn’t seem to break. I never entirely understood why I relied so heavily on my boyfriend for happiness or felt devastated and abandoned when our plans didn’t unfold exactly as I envisioned.

The breakthrough didn’t come until I was older, years later, when I finally recognized who was at fault for this relentless cycle.

One Friday night, my next boyfriend spent time with a close friend instead of hanging out with me. The familiar feelings of abandonment and loneliness hit me like a tidal wave, loud and overwhelming. I spent the next day trapped between simmering anger and deep hurt. Everything started to fall into place when I brought it up in therapy.

Sure, he could have communicated better—maybe called—however, as I reflected, it became clear: the problem wasn’t my boyfriends.

The problem was me.

In the days following my therapy session, I faced some hard truths during deep introspection. I realized how much I had relied on my boyfriends to fill the empty spaces in my life.

I expected them to meet all my emotional needs, be there physically and emotionally when I wanted, and plan exciting, fulfilling moments that would validate me and bring me joy.

Whenever they failed to meet these expectations precisely as I had imagined—on my terms and timeline—I felt abandoned, angry, and hurt.

I took any deviation from my plans as a personal rejection, a sign that they didn’t care about me or our relationship. The most brutal truth to admit was that I had been using my boyfriends as emotional crutches. Instead of addressing my needs, creating my happiness, or finding self-validation, I had placed all that responsibility on them.

I had set impossible standards—expecting perfection from them when I wasn’t giving it to myself.

Here are a few truths I’ve come to embrace in my life:

  • Relying on someone else to make me happy is a form of objectification. In a way, I had turned my boyfriends into a tool for my happiness, placing an immense amount of pressure on them to perfectly manage my struggles and fill the gaps in my life. The truth is, only I hold the tools needed to “fix” what isn’t working. My boyfriends were not tools—they were people with challenges, dreams, emotions, and aspirations. Treating them as a means to my happiness diminished their individuality and hindered the depth and growth of our relationship. It’s unfair to expect someone else to make you whole. The reality is we already possess everything we need within ourselves to create a fulfilling and joyful life. We don’t need to depend on anyone else to fill that role. Over the years, I learned many valuable lessons, but the most important one is this: I can’t sit back and wait for someone else to bring excitement and joy into my life. I have to take the initiative to create it myself. And while companionship can ease feelings of loneliness, expecting one person to eliminate it ultimately is an unfair burden to place on anyone. True happiness starts from within.

 

  • I’ve come to understand that I am solely responsible for my happiness and the excitement in my life. When I started my business, working from home, without coworkers or regular social interaction, often left me feeling isolated. I depended on others for a long time to fill that gap—hoping they would pick me up, take me out, or invite me to something fun. When that didn’t happen, I’d feel frustrated and let down. I’ve learned that relying on someone else for joy and fulfillment is unfair and unsustainable. That responsibility lies with me. Eventually, I realized I needed to take control and fill that void myself. Instead of depending on others, I began to take accountability for my happiness. I started accepting more invitations and making time for activities that bring me joy—cooking, traveling, volunteering, writing, or even attending conferences. I consciously tried to engage in these things. Having my friendships, hobbies, and plans outside my relationships has been transformative. It reminds me that I have the power to shape my emotions, my days, and my social life. I also pushed myself out of my comfort zone and broke free from the overly introverted habits that kept me lonely. Now, if someone cancels plans, it doesn’t derail my day. I’ve built a life filled with my sources of joy and know how to create excitement for myself. My happiness is no longer dependent on someone else—it’s something I actively cultivate every day.

 

  • You can take back your power. If you’re anything like I used to be, you might have a habit of placing your happiness in the hands of others. Maybe you catch yourself thinking things like:
    • I’ll feel awful if he/she doesn’t text me today.
    • If she/he can’t attend the event with me, I’ll be too disappointed to go alone.
    • My whole weekend will be ruined if they don’t invite me to …….

    I know these thoughts too well because I lived in this mindset. I let the actions (or inactions) of others dictate my mood, my choices, and my happiness. For example, if my boyfriend and I went the entire day without talking, I would let it ruin my mood. Instead of finding ways to enjoy my day, I’d sit in frustration and self-pity, giving his lack of communication the power to define my emotions. Or if he couldn’t make it to an event I was looking forward to, I wouldn’t go. I’d let myself feel like I’d missed out, only to turn my disappointment into frustration toward him. By doing so, I was handing over control of my happiness to someone else. That’s what it means to give away your power—allowing others’ actions to dictate how you feel or what you do. Now, I approach things differently. Even though I can be shy or hesitant in new social settings, I make it a point to follow through with plans that bring me joy—whether or not anyone can join me. So ask yourself: Are you placing your power in someone else’s hands? Does a canceled plan or an unexpected change leave you feeling defeated, or do you find ways to take charge of your happiness? The truth is, you don’t need anyone else to validate your plans or your worth. If something makes you happy—do it. If plans change, adjust and keep going. Don’t let the actions of others control your emotions or stop you from living your life. Take back your power and make your happiness your own.

Since retiring, I have intentionally been working to build a closer, more supportive circle of friends. I’ve realized I cannot rely solely on anyone else—for my happiness or social fulfillment. For me to thrive, I must take responsibility for my own joy and stop depending on anyone to meet all my needs. This has been a challenging lesson to learn, but I’ve chosen to embrace and actively practice every week. I know the journey toward empowerment and lasting happiness is ongoing, and I’m committed to continuing the work it requires.