I was the outcast in my family.

The “black sheep.”

Often viewed as the family outcast, the black sheep is typically perceived as different or unusual.

The family usually believes the black sheep is to blame for their isolation. While it’s true that the black sheep may sometimes be seen as “odd” by general standards, my label came from my intuitive and empathetic ability to see into people’s souls.

My stepmother, however, dismissed this as a sign of mental illness. It’s uncommon for someone labeled as a black sheep to have a mental disorder.

In truth, many black sheep are kind-hearted individuals with much to offer their families and the world. Often, they are among the most talented and insightful, sometimes the most creative, or the ones who experience emotions with the most incredible depth. Among the five children in my family, I was the only one to earn a college degree. In reality, black sheep are everywhere. Take a moment to reflect—does your family have one?

This question isn’t always simple, as many black sheep aren’t overtly excluded from the family. For most, the exclusion is more subtle, taking the form of emotional distance rather than physical separation. That was the case with my family.

Three Indicators Your Family May Have a Black Sheep:

  1. A family member consistently appears hurt or angry over time without an apparent cause.
  2. A family member is often subtly excluded from specific gatherings or kept out of the loop on important family news.
  3. One individual is often talked about negatively, with remarks like “They’re so annoying” or labels such as “weirdo,” “disappointment,” “loser,” or other derogatory terms.

If most black sheep aren’t odd or responsible for their exclusion, then what drives a family to treat one of their own this way?

The root cause isn’t found in any single family member. Instead, it stems from the complexities of family dynamics.

The Six Key Family Dynamics That Lead to a Black Sheep:

  1. Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): Emotions are often dismissed or undervalued in families like this. One child, in particular, may become incredibly adept at hiding their needs and feelings, gradually fading into the background and becoming the least noticed in the family dynamic. That was my experience.
  2. Sibling rivalry: In families where emotional resources are scarce—often due to a parent’s mental illness, personality disorder, or substance abuse—siblings are forced to compete for attention and affection, leaving one frequently marginalized. This, too, was my experience.
  3. The child who differs most from the parents: This child stands out due to personality, temperament, or interests the parents don’t relate to. Their lack of understanding leads to unintentional exclusion, which can spread to the siblings.
  4. The emotionally sensitive child: A child prone to depression or anxiety may experience emotions that the parents don’t understand, leading them to distance themselves out of fear or helplessness.
  5. The gifted child: This child threatens to outshine one or both parents. Whether consciously or unconsciously, the parents may undermine the child’s success to prevent feelings of inadequacy or fear of losing the child’s closeness.
  6. Parental projection of self-loathing: A parent dealing with deep-seated self-hatred may unknowingly project the traits they dislike in themselves onto one child, treating that child with disdain to avoid confronting their inner pain. My stepmother adopted this behavior toward me.

As the excluded and targeted child, I quickly felt that I must be different, flawed, or somehow inferior.

This perception can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the child adopts and internalizes this role within the family, often playing it to perfection.

What can you do if you see your family reflected in these descriptions?

Changing deeply rooted family dynamics is undoubtedly challenging; however, you have the power to make a difference:

  • Opt to view your family through a more nuanced and layered perspective.
  • Reflect and ask yourself: Is this the right approach? Is this the kind of person I want to be?
  • View your black sheep from a new perspective and discover qualities you may have overlooked.

If you identify as the Black Sheep:

It’s understandable to feel baffled—things are far more complex than they may have seemed.

Remember, you have inherent value, and this is not your fault.