For a long time, I unknowingly thought the aim was to correct every part of myself I considered flawed.

That’s the foundation of the entire self-improvement industry.

In essence, I aimed for self-perfection. I thought I could only embrace myself fully after reaching a certain level of personal growth. By relying on this behavior, I placed the power to accept myself beyond my reach, which deepened my sense of helplessness and incompleteness. Naturally, nothing I did ever felt sufficient.

I was stunned to realize that the identity I had been striving to improve was never confirmed. I had created it in my mind. This is a common experience for all of us. We picture ourselves as distinct individuals with certain traits shaped by a handful of experiences, and then we strive to improve these imagined identities.

Not only is this a futile effort, but it’s also at the heart of the issue. My obsession with constant self-improvement ended when I realized I wasn’t a person having experiences but rather the experience of being a person. After that, my flaws didn’t vanish, nor did I transform into a better human being. This happens to all of us. We perceive ourselves as distinct individuals with certain traits and characteristics shaped by a handful of experiences, and then we attempt to refine these imagined versions of ourselves.

This isn’t just a pointless effort; it’s the heart of the entire issue.

Instead, acceptance came. At last, I could accept myself as I am, including the chronic emotions and thoughts that are simply echoes of past misidentification.

We truly need acceptance of who we are in this moment, not who we might become in the future. Whether we pursue enlightenment, fame, love, sex, or wealth, we do it because we need these things to accept ourselves—to feel believed, complete, fulfilled, or whole. Living a conscious life means embracing things as they are, including the seemingly imperfect version of yourself.

“We see people and things not as they are, but as we are.” ― Anthony de Mello, Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality.

Everything starts to feel much easier when you can accept things just a little more. Consider how many problems stem from believing something about us is not okay. Now, imagine letting go of that belief. Can you imagine how much lighter you’d feel?

It would feel like an enormous burden, the size of an elephant, being lifted off your weary shoulders.

Sure, healing emotional wounds is all good; however, have you ever wondered what truly lies at the heart of our endless quest for healing?

The belief that, as humans, we are not okay—unacceptable, unlovable, and unworthy—lies at the core.

Letting go of that belief is no longer about healing ourselves to become better. Instead, it becomes about embracing all aspects of our experience.

And that is the actual healing. You don’t need to improve yourself to accept who you are constantly. You can embrace yourself exactly as you are right now.

If you feel you can’t, that’s a belief worth examining. Let go of the mindset that something is wrong with you.

I understand this isn’t easy for most of us; however, the moment we accept ourselves, much of the frantic effort we put in because we believe we are unworthy starts to fade. If all your goals and habits were rooted in self-rejection, they might all fall away. Any habits you form afterward will come from a place of acceptance, not rejection.

I still see my therapist; however, it’s not because I feel I have to—it’s because I genuinely enjoy feeling emotionally and mentally healthier.

When we focus on healing an imagined version of ourselves, we reinforce this ‘never good enough’ identity and create new problems.

We start imagining issues where none existed before. Suddenly, you’re convinced that your empathetic nature, which makes you more introverted, is part of the mysterious charm that draws the right people into your life.

You might already know this; however, it’s helpful to remind yourself that this life isn’t about measuring up to some behavioral ideal or striving for perfection, whatever that means.

No one behaves perfectly all the time.

(And who decided what ‘perfect’ even means?)

At least, no one I’ve ever met or heard of—not even the seemingly calm and composed spiritual gurus.

You might experience a period when nothing dramatic happens in your life. Everything is peaceful, and things are unfolding smoothly. You might believe this signifies something significant and begin to see yourself as a highly successful spiritual being. And then something happens that stirs up deeply ingrained conditioning. Emotions you had nearly forgotten rise to the surface. Maybe it’s shame, anger, confusion, or fear. It happens to all of us. So, what then?

You do the only thing you can. You open the door and give it your full, unconditional attention. You can only truly do this when you realize that nothing is inherently wrong with any part of your experience.

There is, quite literally, nothing wrong with your experience. Even the thoughts telling you, ‘Something is wrong with me,’ aren’t wrong.

Allow this to settle into your heart. There is nothing wrong with my experience. Nothing can ever truly be wrong. The idea of wrongness is simply impossible.

This isn’t a moral statement; it’s simply an objective observation.

Wrong’ implies something like, ‘This shouldn’t be.’ But there’s no ‘should be.’ There is only what is.

Accept yourself—accept what is—and the idea of ‘shouldn’t be’ will fade.

Why Wisdom is Harder Than You Think is written without “should” statements.