Content Warning: Discussion of Bullying, Emotional, Physical, and Sexual Child Abuse

My Mindful Response to Overcoming Childhood Abuse

If you’re an adult man or woman living in the U.S. or any Western country today, chances are your upbringing was influenced by some peer abuse.

As a boy or a girl, you were likely a bystander, a perpetrator, or a victim of some bullying.

There was a time when George and I were growing up in California in the ’60s and ’70s; such behavior was dismissed with phrases like “boys will be boys” or “she is just a playground bully.” That’s no longer the case. Denial is a common and self-protective coping mechanism that many men and women adopt in early adulthood. While we may observe traces of denial in children, it tends to be less developed. However, in adults, the signs become more apparent. Adult men and women likely face various personal and relationship challenges stemming from childhood abuse. Ignoring or denying these issues is not the solution.

Many men grapple with anger or impulse control challenges that disrupt their adult relationships, often masked by unhealthy coping mechanisms like alcoholism, substance abuse, or thrill-seeking behaviors.

Women who endured childhood abuse often encounter numerous difficulties in adulthood, such as mental health struggles, which may involve depression, anxiety, PTSD, and other psychological conditions, as well as relationship challenges that can manifest as conflict, mistrust, poor communication, and difficulties with intimacy.

Survivors may also find themselves in relationships with partners who aren’t well-suited for them. Intimate relationships often struggle, as these men and women may struggle to form and maintain friendships, trust others, and manage their volatile emotions. This can lead to a perpetuation of domestic abuse and violence, continuing the cycle across generations.

Both George and I were also subjected to abuse by our father and stepmother.

The abuse from family members intensified the peer abuse we were already enduring.

Children are not inherently victims; however, due to their limited ability to defend themselves, they often adopt the victim role over time.

To focus on this blog post and keep it concise, I will limit the scope to emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

George and I both received emotional and physical abuse, and I also received sexual abuse.

The long-term effects as both child and adult survivors were different for George and me.

“But we must remember that suffering is a kind of mud that we need in order to generate joy and happiness. Without suffering, there’s no happiness. We have to learn how to embrace and cradle our own suffering and the suffering of the world, with a lot of tenderness. “— Thich Nhat Hanh

Post-traumatic growth can happen in many situations.

However, the crucial first step is recognizing and accepting that one experienced abuse as a child or was involved in abusing others. Most childhood memories are shrouded in a hazy mix of confusing fears, fleeting accomplishments, and fragments of understanding.

Cultural notions like “boys will be boys” or “big girls don’t cry” further blur the intense emotions tied to these experiences.

Adults need to break free from deeply ingrained beliefs shaped by childhood experiences and cultivate the drive to reframe how they see themselves, their relationships, and the world around them.

I took the path of spiritual growth, which involved deep self-reflection and bringing past experiences into conscious awareness in the present moment.

Although not formally diagnosed in the 70’s, I believe Greoerge was neurodivergent. The path he took from his emotional abuse was self-protective coping strategies like addictions, arguing, compliance, denial, defensiveness, detachment, isolation, minimization, rationalization, and dissociation.

It is difficult to find reliable estimates of peer abuse among children, as most studies focus on abuse by adults or specifically on sexual abuse.

Some meta-analyses have shown that up to half of the world’s children aged 2–17 have experienced some form of non-war-related violence in the past year, with rates reaching as high as 78% among boys.

This includes violence between children, such as bullying and peer victimization—affecting four out of every five children.

Kids were being cruel to George. He cried every day during elementary school. Some days, he cried so intensely that he vomited. Even on days when he managed to hold back his tears, the insults cut deep.

In middle school, my teachers warned my parents that they believed I was at risk of suicide. Although my teachers advised me to ignore the bullies, I found it impossible. At home, with one older female stepsibling and two younger stepbrothers, the blame for anything was often shifted onto me, and I faced punishment from my parents.

I was always getting in trouble for things everyone else did.

Until recently, many cultures considered such bullying behavior a normal and natural part of childhood development. It was once assumed that bullying among children helped them “toughen up” and grow into “strong men” and “obedient women.”

Today, we recognize these ideas as cultural myths that fail to reflect the actual impact on children’s experiences.

Children have limited resources to cope with this stress level, and they often struggle to absorb the harsh lessons imposed by these stressful experiences.

It’s important to understand that while healing from the harmful effects of past trauma, mainly recurring or “complex” traumas, is possible, completely forgetting the events that caused them is unlikely.

George and I never did.

Traumatic experiences are deeply embedded in our neurocognitive systems, shaping George into the man he became and me into the woman I am today.

The Great Vow Zen Monastery near Portland, Oregon, features a garden memorial with a shrine dedicated to broken pottery. Mugs, plates, and teapots broken in daily life are brought to the shrine and creatively reassembled, with pieces nested inside or stacked atop one another. They are often paired with a Jizo figure, the Buddhist guardian of those navigating both the physical and spiritual realms. The newly crafted forms are thoughtfully displayed on shelves in the memorial garden, symbolizing the idea that nothing is ever truly broken. Humans, much like pottery, are remarkably resilient.

Most men and women manage to endure traumatic experiences in one way or another. However, mere survival is only a faint reflection of genuinely thriving.

Please know that you are not broken. Surviving childhood abuse means you have endured deep pain and likely still do in ways that may be too subtle to grasp fully. Denial is a misleading byproduct of that pain. In the spirit of mindfulness, I encourage you to find a quiet space to revisit and process your memories and emotions gently, one step at a time. The first and most crucial step in this journey is letting go of denial, which may have been a fragile but dependable defense until now.

Releasing the shield of denial requires embracing vulnerability, a difficult step for many of us. Take your time with this process. Reflect on what it might feel like to “lower your shield.”

When we remain in denial and encounter difficult circumstances without being prepared, the seeds of distress begin to take root, leading to anger, fear, isolation, and other negative emotions.

In isolation, George found calm and peace in Port Alexander, Alaska. The island had about 82 people, 35 households, and 20 families.

He faced health complications that shortened his lifespan by about 15 years compared to the general population. Long-term studies tracking people with Autism for over 20 years have shown that their average life expectancy falls between 39 and 58 years. George was 65.

 

If you or someone you know is looking for therapy to heal from childhood abuse, you can find a therapist online through platforms like Psychology Today or GoodTherapy.org.

Additionally, consider asking trusted friends or family members if they can recommend a good therapist. Various forms of therapy can assist with healing from childhood trauma, including cognitive processing therapy, trauma-focused CBT, play therapy, and art therapy.

Art therapy offers a meaningful way to process emotions and work through traumatic experiences.