“I DON’T KNOW”
“If you don’t know who you truly are, you’ll never know what you really want.”
―
My grandpa George couldn’t stand it when I answered his questions with “I don’t know.” By the time I was 12, he had broken me of that habit. He advised me to prepare for discomfort every time I said it. This could lead to spending less time with him, which was the last thing I wanted, as the moments I shared with this incredible man were invaluable to me.
I recall a time, not too long ago, when I was cleaning the house while listening to a “spiritual self-improvement” audiobook about cultivating inner peace.
Let’s be honest: who has the time to sit and read about cultivating peace when you have a house to clean, grocery shopping to do, plants to care for, and a dog to walk? I finally turned off the audiobook, annoyed and frustrated that I even attempted to achieve inner peace.
I remember laughing hysterically as I shut off the book, thinking that inner peace was indulging in chocolate and popcorn and binging on Netflix. I feel like there’s a significant disconnect between the concept of “spiritual living” and the practical reality of incorporating it into daily life.
We either aim to achieve the pinnacle of guru-like enlightenment or fall short of being “spiritual” with no middle ground.
I’ve been astonished by how often, when I speak with people about my significant missteps and struggles with spirituality, people say, “You have days of doubt, too?”
It’s as if they felt alone in their search for a basic level of spirituality that still eludes them. Believe me, I have my doubts. There are days when I don’t connect with my spiritual side at all. I’m not proud of it. It is reality. I’m not where I want to be spiritually, and I constantly judge myself for it.
It’s a terrible cycle: feeling disconnected from spirit, feeling bad about it, and then feeling even worse for having those feelings, which only makes it harder to reconnect with my spiritual side.
To find peace in my life and my spiritual journey, I want to redefine what it means to be “spiritual.”
This isn’t about a superficial “let’s reframe things to make ourselves feel better” approach. It’s a genuine reevaluation of spirituality’s true essence.
I struggle to find the patience or time for spirituality and end up criticizing myself.
Unless I attend yoga classes several times a week, schedule meditation retreats, or diligently pray, I feel I am not truly connected to the spirit.
I am not “spiritual” because I do not embody spiritual knowledge or wisdom daily. Let’s redefine ‘spiritual’ as embracing the journey of not knowing, continuously seeking understanding, and trusting that the answers will eventually reveal themselves.
How about adopting the sacred mantra, ‘I Don’t Know’?”
Grandpa George would be disappointed.
How do I connect with God or the Universe? – I’m not sure. I am open to exploring various paths to find out.
How do I make time for my spiritual practice? – I don’t have the answer yet, but I am actively seeking one.
What should my spiritual practice look like in my current life? – I don’t know. I trust that I’ll discover what works for me by continuing to search.
Perhaps these questions and responses reflect the essence of a spiritual journey.
Instead of striving to master any spiritual concept of what “being spiritual” means in this lifetime, let’s embrace the idea of saying –
I’m doing the best I can today.
We should celebrate the days when we feel connected and let go of the days we don’t, knowing that tomorrow brings a new chance for improvement.
The opportunity for epiphany is always available to us, and isn’t that, in itself, a form of spirituality?
It would be best if you redefined spirituality for yourself. Don’t just take my word for it. What does it look like to you? Freedom? Happiness? Peace?
Be your own guru—and remember that even gurus get frustrated, take naps, watch trash TV, and occasionally indulge in loads of chocolate and ice cream.
I lay down my shield and sword. I might never “arrive.”
I surrender to my uncertainty, acknowledging that I’m doing my very best and having faith that I’ll be a better person tomorrow. How liberating is that?
Ultimately, isn’t that the essence of ‘spiritual’ life – to embody faith, happiness, humility, peace, strength, and vulnerability?
It’s an indescribable honor to have you read my manifesto. An even more incredible honor is the sense of connection and unity we share, knowing that although we often find ourselves in the dark, our collective desire to become better individuals unites us. We may not have all the answers. Let’s embrace the journey of discovery together, supporting and growing with one another.
Namaste.